List 2

A list of things that make me happy.

• Receiving letters or parcels
• Cats, owls, pugs, and moths
• New tights
• Nice underwear
• Unexpected texts from him
• Getting As and A*s
• Adventure Time episodes
• Harry Potter stickers
• When people look at me and get what's going on without me having to tell them
• Sparkling water
• Long skype calls
• Staying up all night just talking. Or perhaps not talking, but sharing the silence
• Hugs
• Holding hands
• Making cards and drawings for people I care about
• When the cat eyes are even
• Light pink lipstick
• The smell and feeling of newly dyed hair
• When people are on time
• Discovering music or films I really like
• When someone says a song reminds them of me
• When someone tells me they've had a dream involving me
• When someone remembers something I've said in the past
• Visiting the island
• When someone makes me feel like I'm interesting, and not at all boring

Ill

So tired of being ill. Going to the doctor's soon to see if there's an effective way of helping my immune system get back to what it used to be. I'm just so tired of it. I suspect being lonely is making it worse, and if so, perhaps it will get better soon. We'll see. I just don't want to be ill anymore, it's pathetic.

October

I just want to sleep these months away. I'm so tired of this weather, it'll be alright, though. Only two more months to go! I've also got some nice plans this weekend, and I'm really looking forward to it!

Facebook

Things that annoy me:

1. people who brag about loving science or politics on Facebook
2. people who brag about not loving science or politics on Facebook

 

I just don't care, and I don't think anyone else cares either.

 It doesn't make you cool, it just makes you incredibly annoying.

Sherlock

You should read that story you like, and listen to Rivers by Passenger on repeat. You can relate to their sadness, and picture yourself experiencing their happiness when it all works out in the end.

In three weeks you'll be back on the island, and you'll see him again. He'll wait for you at the ferry terminal, and he'll be more beautiful than he has ever been before. You'll hug, kiss, embrace, smile, laugh, hold hands, exchange loving glances. Don't cry, though, there's no need for that. You'll feel tired from the long day of travelling, but that's ok, because you have no plans for the evening. You're just going to enjoy each other's company. Lie in bed together, feel his warmth against your side, feel safe and loved and appreciated.

Everything works out in the end, just like it does in the story.

Not a poem, just a list

I am strong.
I am beautiful.
I am smart.
I am intellectual.
I am worthy.
I am loved.
I matter.
I deserve happiness.
I deserve love.
I deserve respect.

I won't cry today, because I won't have to.
I know what I want, and I know what I deserve.
I will treat myself better from now on.

I will read this list every day to remind myself.

Wrygdwylife - Bonaparte

I want to properly learn German. I know I would be able to. I’ve got the basics, the grammar, the words, the understanding. I just don’t know how to put those elements together to form sentences. I hate when people make fun of German, when they laugh at how ugly the language is. They don’t understand, they haven’t listened close enough. Sure, almost every time German is represented in films, it’s always a kind of parody of the language. The angry sounds are exaggerated for comical effect, and the gentle, almost fluid-like sounds left out.

Sometimes, I want to fall in love with a German boy, and live in a tiny flat in Berlin. I want him to wear Doc Martens and skinny jeans. I would wear a big shirt, tights and worn out Converse. I want us to watch A Clockwork Orange as we talk about Simone de Beauvoir, my legs in his lap.

Other times I want to live in London. Fall in love with the city, be surrounded by friends. I’d work at a small café, every day hoping that tall, slender bloke would come in and read his Dead Poets Society. Isn’t it awful to love someone from afar?

I suppose I’ll just have to survive for a bit longer before I can start living again.

Originally posted on Tumblr, then taken down because I looked like an attention whore

I just read something really sweet my ex wrote for me about a year ago. I was meant to open a different Word document, and since I’m stupid, I couldn’t help myself from reading the old message. It reminded me of how much I miss having someone to love. To cuddle, hug, and kiss, to compliment, and laugh with. Someone to look forward to seeing every day, and text before I fall asleep at night, and when I get up in the morning. I miss having someone who loves and appreciates me, and thinks I’m the greatest person there is. I really miss being someone’s number one. Right now, I’m so very alone in the world. It can be so hard to just go on and face the day when everything, every day, seems so hopless, wasted and empty. I don’t necessarily need a man in my life, I just need someone who can love me and make me feel a bit less shit.

Someone out there will want me

Today I heard a review of "The Green Hornet" on the radio.
On the 28th of February 2011 I went to the cinema with a boy whom I knew was in love with me. We'd been hanging out a lot the previous week, and I had decided to give him a chance, because he was sweet and shy, and the way he looked at me made me feel like the prettiest girl in the world. I met him at the cinema, and things were a bit awkward before the film began. When we sat there in our seats, I knew how nervous he was, I knew he wanted to take my hand, but he was a very shy and insecure person, and I knew he was terrified of rejection (as we all are). So I took his hand. We looked at each other and I smiled at him. I felt his tense body loosen up a bit, and he squeezed my hand, with a grin on his face. We sat like that throughout the film, our hands sweaty, and our hearts beating loudly. Afterwards he walked me home, and we kissed outside my hostparent's house. It was lovely, it was perfect. For about 7 months.

It's over now, and I've come to terms with it. I wouldn't want him back, and I'm not saying that in a desperate attempt to convince myself that I don't want him back. I genuinely wouldn't want to be with him anymore. I know I need someone who is a bit ... more than he is. Who would fight for me, and for "us". I'm not saying that every boy needs to act like a knight in shining armour, but if you truly love someone, you shouldn't give up on them the minute things get a bit hard. I don't love him anymore, and I don't think I ever could again. But I don't hate him either. I pity him.

Hearing the review on "The Green Hornet" made me long for the good times we had together, for the love and affection we shared. It made me sad, not because I miss him, but because I miss being wanted and loved, and I know I'll have to wait for a long time to have something like that again.

After having been ill for seven weeks

Not due to heartache, but a virus.

That person. It may sound very cliché, but that person who used to make you so incredibly happy, but now he or she never fails to make you feel like complete shit whenever they talk to you. Whether it is an ex-bestfriend, or just an ex, I'm sure you've had one. You don't really want to talk to them, because you know all too well how terrible it's going to make you feel, but still, you long for the safety and happiness that person used to give you. The feeling of belonging and love they used to represent. But you're fooling yourself, because you're just going to feel unloved, useless and pathetic. It used to upset me endlessly. I used to want to cut contact with him, but I know he's still good for a nice chat, he can still cheer me right up. I used to, for some reason, think that my happiness depended on him. What a silly thought! Lately I've felt a lot better not talking to him.